I’m new here and I maybe should have started with a brief explanation of why Jesus is such a big deal to me, so here it goes.
I didn’t grow up in Church, but always believed in a God who was somewhere out there, unreachable and unknowable. And I didn’t know a thing about Jesus, Zip. Nada. But all this changed when I was 21 and a friend of a friend came to my door on a Friday night. His name was Edward and after I invited him in he started telling me about Jesus. This was the first time in my life anyone ever told me anything about Jesus. And I was ripe and ready.
After hours of conversation interspersed with Edward telling me to read selected chapters from the New Testament and making strange comments about “new wine” and “altars” and “keys of David” Edward left. It was 11pm and I was in a state of extreme agitation. Because Edward left without leading me in “The Sinners Prayer.” What he left me with however, was a new-found awareness that I was a sinner in need of salvation.
It was a sense of urgency that compelled me and knowing I needed to pray, but not knowing how, I continued reading the New Testament. I also went to the back of the Good Book and looked up all the verses I could find on prayer. I devoured the word for about 24 hours, until the moment came when I knew I was ready to pray.
And at this moment in my life I was a 21-year-old single mother on welfare who was getting high daily and no longer living with the father of her almost 6-month old baby, and this was after a string of unhealthy relationships with men. This is the PG rated version of the toxic muck I waded through until I met Jesus. I’m still working out my salvation of course, but it’s not as difficult as it was in those early years, when, in my ignorance, I though the Lord needed my help, and when I still wanted to do things “my way.”
But back to my 21-year- old self. Everything I read I took to be literal. I guess it could be said I was operating in “saving faith.” I went to my bedroom, kneeled in my closet, and covered my head with the only thing I had - a red bandana. Then, thinking I had to confess each and every one of my sins in order to be forgiven, I landed on the idea of using the Ten Commandments as my guide for confessing my sins. (I now know this was the leading of the Holy Spirit, but I didn’t yet know Him.) And so I began, working my way down the list, and back-tracking up again each time I remembered yet another sin to confess.
And I began to weep under the weight of it. Under the weight of the realization I’d broken all ten of God’s commandment, and the sheer volume of my sins. I’d thought I’d been a good person, but that was using man’s plumbline, not Gods, and the weight of God’s plumbline was a heavy one to bear. For the first time, I was seeing myself for who I truly was – a sinner in (dire) need of salvation.
But then curious thing happened. As I began to encounter God through the repentance of my sins, I began to encounter His forgiveness as well; this is the best way I can describe it. And as I encountered His tangible forgiveness, I began to extend forgiveness to all those who’d trespassed against me. Each and every person and incident that came to mind, I forgave them, out loud, with words. This went on for hours, for I came to God very much like the woman at the well. And then, finally, I knew I was finished.
And so I stood up and looked straight through my ceiling and unto heaven and said, “OK God, I’m ready for whatever you would have for me.” Seeing it was 5:30 in the morning, I made the decision to get some sleep before my baby daughter woke up. Immediately upon closing my eyes, I saw The Greatest Flash of Light – once and then twice, then a current of electricity coursed through my body, entering through the tips of my toes and traveling up into my head, all in a nano-second. And in that smallest slice of a moment my first and only thought formed – “What is this?” “I’m cleansing you of your sins” a gentle but authoritative voice answered. (Oh the glory of that moment of eternity I experienced when He spoke.)
And this was the voice of Jesus and the beginning of my journey. He revealed Himself to me as the Light of the world and the Forgiver of sins. And even though I would have to go through a dark season, fighting off darkness and demons and the fear of it all (because of my involvement in the occult) I eventually came out of that darkness and into the light.
Every struggle through every dark place, it was hard, but it was worth it. And every fear overcome, it was worth it. And I would have it no other way. For what I gained no man can take from me. I now live in the truth that light rules over darkness, just as faith rules over fear. And that’s why Jesus is such a big deal to me.
Signed,
A Thankful Heart